My baby boy is slowly turning into a mini man in front of my very eyes, yet somehow I feel as though I'm missing it :( Maybe if I were filthy rich I would then have the means to employ a cook, cleaner and house keeper (sounds a little something like heaven) and then, maybe I could spend every waking minute watching him intently. BUT, even then I would still feel as though I had missed something.
I know what you're thinking... What is she banging on about? Surely being a stay at home mum you get to spend all the time in the world with your baby? and yes to a degree that's partly true. But life just isn't that black n white, thank-god! So what I mean by this is pretty simple, though I may over complicate it so bear with me, there truly is a point.
I'm still a person too... I still have hopes, dreams and aspirations. I still want to take care of myself and feel good about me and who I am and MY place in this world. Does that make me a weirdo? Does this make me selfish? More importantly does this make me a bad mum? That there are times, when I take time for, like now for example, writing this blog post and my mini man is sat on his mini armchair eating a chocolate biscuit (naughty mummy) and watching Mr Tumble (queue grimaces from all knowing mothers!) Guilt is a beautiful thing, when you're a mum you might as well be wearing a neon sign stating 'Guilty as charged'... This of course calls for another blog post to elaborate on this subject (it's HUMUNGOUS) But for now I'll aim to stick to my original point.
The answer to the above questions is a simple NO. This make me HUMAN, a human being. You don't switch off from life, a life you had prior to being Mum. What happens is you become so caught up in the whirlwind of motherhood, the birth, having a person to look after 24/7, no sleep, 3 in a bed, Google becoming your new best friend - the one you turn to for everything, food - feeding your baby the right foods!? the list of topics to worry about is endless and if the truth be known not all mums are so positively encouraging in this regard, which is a real shame as motherhood is huge without the added pressure of other mums looking down their noses at your choices... OK I'm heading way of subject here, told you I would!
So where were we? YES what happens is that in this constant state of thinking for another person, sometimes overthinking (comes with the territory) you do temporarily forget who you are and before you know it you have no identity left at all. You're simply 'Mum' People ask your baby's name, but they never ask you yours, they ask you about your baby, but they never ask you how your day has been?... So add this to the mix and we find ourselves slap bang in the middle of an identity crisis.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying It's not all doom and gloom and "LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!" No, nothing that dramatic in fact, this period passes in time. You start to get some sleep, you get your bed back, you've nailed breakfast lunch and dinner, and feeding your bubba a chocolate biscuit every once in awhile wont get you reported for being a bad mum (watching Mr. Tumble might though!) During it all there are snippets of moments, moments of clarity I like to call them when your baby will do something thats either cute, hilarious or truly amazing and then there are the quieter moments like those in the photo's of this blog post, taken at a pumpkin pick your own farm. These moments where you'll find yourself watching from afar in awe as you see the world through your child's eyes, and that's where the magic of parenthood lies.
So I guess what I'm saying is even though you may feel or felt as I did, that you have missed out on your baby growing up, you really haven't because even the smallest of gestures turn out to be the biggest and best parts of watching them grow. Even though you may feel like you're somewhere in the midst of an identity crisis... well you can now rid yourself of that thought with immediate effect too. You are still YOU!... just a better more improved, more resilient, more patient, more lovable and don't get me started on multi-tasking capabilities... WOW! So it's time to let go of the guilt, and remember as much as it may feel like it at times, you're not alone in your thinking. Take time for you - it will keep you sane, in this very insane job they call motherhood! and TAKE PHOTOS... one way of always remembering those first moments, those cute moments, the hilarious and of course truly amazing ones too plus every other moment in the middle and beyond.